Tuesday, April 15, 2014


Early this morning we had an eclipse of the moon. It was a full moon and the eclipse turned the moon red. I have been noticing the effects of the moon on my body and mood since September when I had a return of my panic attacks. I finally feel that I've conquered that with the help of meds and meditations. Lot's of meditation, relaxing music, plenty of spiritual reading, and soul searching. 

Everything is energy. Even us. So when I get anxious and nervous now, I try to remember that it's just energy. That what I'm feeling is the energy in me and all around me. I'm fine and everything is okay and as it should be. I take deep breaths and make sure I work on clearing my chakras everyday and do my meditations at night. I want to get off the meds, but my intuition is telling me to wait until I am whole. I don't feel whole quite yet. But, everyday things are getting better. I'm feeling a calmness and serenity in me. I'm feeling happier and more joyful everyday.

Yesterday, I ran into someone from my past religion who told me that we are so close to The End and we are being prepared. So, my old anxiety started to creep in. But, I nipped that in the bud right off. I calmly and rationally talked myself down with logic and reason.

The End has been warned for centuries with all kinds of doomsday timetables and scare tactics by religion. There is energy and something is going to happen. But, The End?? The End of Life??

No. The end of an age maybe. We don't know and can't help what's going to happen. We are all going to die. Be it in The Great Tribulation or Armageddon. An earthquake or a flood. A car accident or from a heart attack. Or anything in between.

Fact: The universe is here. The universe is energy and is expanding since the beginning of everything as we know it. We are here. We are energy. We are molecules that seem to be presented to us as human and things as matter. We have a mind that creates. We attract what we think. What we attract will be. Yes, there is creation. Yes, there is evolution. Yes, there is a creator. Yes, we are creators also.

Do we have to have religion? Is there only one right religion? Is religion just something we made up? Do we even need it anymore? We don't know. We only know what we think is right. What we feel is right. What someone scared us into or attracts us to. Everyone has their own ideas and thoughts. We all form our groups of like conscience thinking and think everyone must conform to what we think we know is right.

Religion has been the cause of just about everything that is wrong with this world. You can disagree all you want. But, if you truthfully search your soul, you will acknowledge that You feel superior to others. You are in the only right religion and everyone else is wrong and not going to heaven or whatever you believe. Blah, blah, blah.

I believe Jesus was an enlightened soul who had tapped into some energy and used that to help the people. But, I also believe that as religion always does when they want to convert someone, they integrate a popular belief in their doctrine. Jesus was not going to go away. So lets just say he was gods son and that he died for our sins. Let's just work that into our belief that there is a heaven and a hell and a judgement coming because we are all so darn sinful. The devil is roaming the earth. Blah, blah, blah.

Now lets rethink this. If there is a God and he is love, would he put us here to suffer to such degrees? Would he keep everything so darn secret and only a few select could be saved? Would he make us in his image and then punish us for being us?

Or is there some reason that we created this idea of god, the devil, heaven and hell, sinning, judgement, etc, etc? Is religion now archaic and serves no purpose? Did we need religion then to help us evolve to this present state for some reason? Are we now on the verge of a higher and more enlightened way of thinking?

Am I making any sense? LOL. Probably not to you. But in my mind I make sense.

Fact: Something created us. We are creators. We create good vibrations and bad vibrations. We attract what we send out: Good or Bad.

How about we just start raising our vibrations by thinking about joy and happiness and love. How about we just accept people as they are instead of trying to change them into something we think will make us feel better. Start loving and accepting and seeing the good and positive gifts that everyone of us has inside of us. Think in abundance and continue to create that which brings us true joy. Respect the earth and universe and the source of energy.

Believe that we do have some control and power over things. Most of all power to heal ourselves and become aligned with nature and source energy. We have the power to feel better, to be in better health, to have in abundance. Let's start using that power to change how we live.

We have to change ourselves before anything else can be changed. It will not be changed with resistance and fighting. Only acceptance and Love.

The universe has been expanding all along. Are we going to expand? Is our conscience mind now going to expand beyond the idea of religion? One can only imagine. 

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Saturday, March 29, 2014

Things happen very slowly in my life. I don't like it; but that is the way it is. I'm working on my products and designing labels. I'm never satisfied with my labels. Which is holding me up. Also, I haven't had much energy this winter. I'm working on my chakra's to remedy this situation. Then I have to photograph them. Which is a challenge too. So, things get done at a snail's pace because you see I have a full time job that sucks the life from me.

I am learning a lot about myself through all of this and how I work best. Please be patient with me.

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Friday, February 14, 2014

Spiritual Journey

My first thoughts that I remember are when I was 3 years old. I always felt strange and out of place even then. Like I didn't belong here in this strange body, feeling all these strange unpleasant sensations and feelings. I always felt confused and never knew what was the right thing to do. I was jealous of my younger siblings because they seemed to be loved and accepted and I wanted that. 

My grandmother was very religious and taught me about God and Jesus and brought me along to her "meetings" and "conventions" She was very strong in her beliefs and scolded me many times for my thoughts and actions and even for the fact that I had nail polish on. Hell was a predominant threat.  But, even though she did that, I loved her and loved listening to the Bible stories she told me with rapt attention. I loved going to meetings and conventions and singing the hymns. I even wanted to be a "worker" when I grew up.

But, it was apparent that that was not in my future. I like to do what I like to do and nobody was going to stop me. I was resentful of anyone who told me I couldn't do something. Like, "why the hell not?"

I used to have a hard time going to sleep when I was a young child. I remember even when I was 3 laying in bed wondering about profound things. Later on, I wondered, worried, and obsessed over God, Jesus, the Angels and how we all came to be and "what if this" and "what if that." I scared myself with my thoughts. I guess even then I had anxiety. My stomach would be in knots and I had a funny sensation of not being real and so very very small and insignificant. I always had questions for my grandmother. I was never satisfied with her answers. God was always out of reach and never gave me any help. Or so it seemed. I always felt alone and that nobody understood me. I did not like being here at all.

When it was time to register me for kindergarten, I remember my mom saying, “look there’s a colored boy”. I said “where?”  I was looking for a boy that was coloring. I didn't see anybody who was coloring. I was frustrated because I often could not figure out what people were talking about. I always felt dumb.

The first day of kindergarten we were all sitting in a circle in Mrs. Hammernicks class. I looked next to me and seen this boy who was a different color. I guess I never had seen such a thing. Then I thought this must be what my mother was referring too. My stomach was in knots. I did not like this strange place. I thought he must be feeling the same way. I bravely tapped him on the shoulder and waved “Hi” to him. He waved back. We have been friends now for 40 years. Turned out he lived a couple of houses down from me. He was my best friend and I could tell him anything and he never judged me. I could be myself with him. We’ve lost each other for periods of time over the years. But, somehow we always found each other again. And the feeling is the same. I know him, he knows me. And I miss my best friend.

When I was 11 or 12, I met another great lifetime friend. Through the years we have lost and then re-found each other. And it's like we never were apart at all. These 2 people are my spiritual life long friends. 

So, back to spiritual and profound things. I remember spending the night somewhere when I was little and the room had wallpaper with the Smurfs on it. I swear a Smurf winked at me. I was scared to death!!

I was visiting with my New York family with my mom and dad once when I was around 8 years old. All of a sudden, I had the strangest feeling and knowing that I was going to marry someone from this certain family. It was very weird.

When I was around 11 or 12, I had a boyfriend for a brief time (most likely a day or 2 lol). His name was Michael. I didn’t really feel like I wanted to be his girlfriend. It didn’t feel right. But, I knew my husband was going to be named Michael from that point on.

My dad left our family when I was 10. They finally got divorced when I was 12. It was very messy and painful. I hated everything and everyone at that time. I tried to kill myself several times. I remember being in my room late at night with a knife trying to cut myself. Because life just sucked and the world was going to end and what was the point of anything. But, I just couldn't do it. I knew I was here for something. 

When I moved to New York my family took the train. At the train station, there was this man hanging back. I didn’t know he was with my uncle picking us up. As soon as I laid eyes on him, I knew he was my husband.

I always felt safe and comfortable around him. I always felt like this was where I was supposed to be. Six years later he was my husband. He still is.

Through all this time, I had strong convictions on who was God and what was in the Bible. This was based on what my grandmother taught me. Then I met some Jehovah’s Witnesses. Of course, I stood my ground and tried to disprove them on everything. But, no, they disproved me right in my grandmother’s Bible. I was intrigued. Who were these people?  I had always asked my grandmother what God’s name was. Apparently, he didn’t need a name. So, that was the first intriguing thing I learned from them.

But, I didn’t really fit in. I sorta did but not really. I loved the people. But a judgmental God was just something I could not get close too. Sure He could be loving. But, if I stepped out of line, I was a great sinner destined for the ultimate death. I just could not live up to all these rules and regulations.  I tried 3 separate time years apart to be one of his witnesses. It didn’t work. My husband hated them and hated religion of any kind. My stomach was always in knots every time I went to the meeting. Then, I started hating my husband and viewing him as the enemy, the devil himself. It took a long time to change the way I thought. A long painful time. I quit the religion. I had to accept myself and my faults and forgive myself and then I did for my husband. And things have been great between us since then.
But, I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for years. Medication was taking care of it. But, last September it reared it’s ugly head again. Stronger than ever before. I have been learning Reiki and different forms of healing. Different ideas. I slack off a lot and then go back to it. But, I guess, someone higher has different plans for me and wanted to get my attention again and for good this time. I have been reading crazy things. But, one thing I do know. I am here for a reason. I do have something to do. I will figure it out. And things people taught me are not right. They are a lie.

I have always had frequent recurring dreams of my husband leaving me for another woman. It’s always weird. It’s in a strange house. He is completely ignoring me and oblivious to my feelings. I want to die. I want to kill him. I feel so wronged and devastated. When I wake up it feels so real I want to hit him right in his sleep. When you look online about what dreams mean. They say that those kind of dreams are really not about your spouse cheating you. According to this article: it’s about a common and universal fear of being wronged or left alone. I know the signs of a cheating spouse and have been watching out for them every since day one. I know it's not that. But, maybe he did cheat on me and left me in another life. Because it feels so real. Anyway, I would multilate him and kill him if he did. 

I guess my subconscious mind has been telling me I’ve been wrong and made to believe wrong things. My body has been trying to get my attention the only way it could. I just have been ignoring it and was unaware that my soul was communicating with me. 

I am alright. I am Love. I am Divine Love. I am one with the Universe and the Source. For the Source is in me and everyone and everywhere. I am here learning lessons and not being judged to eternal hell. Nature is beautiful and knows what it is doing. Things are going along just fine and as they should be. This life is NOT all that there is. And my husband, kids, grandkids, and 2 best friends have been with me for many life times. I need to listen to my soul and trust my soul. I need to let my soul guide my mind. 

Here are some links to a few books that have helped me:

This one helped me with realizing what energy is, how to think positive, and that there are forces and energies that we have no idea about or really have any understanding about. 

This book has helped me with sorting out the religious aspect of things. Why do we have religion? Why is there so many of them? Is there really only 1 way to go? Everything can't be a lie, can it?

This book was so much easier to understand and was down to earth in explanations. Yes, there is still much mystery that we do not know. But that is okay. We are made perfectly. 

I am still reading "crazy" books. Still on my Spiritual Journey. I still do not know what I need to do. But, I am still looking. I have a lot to learn and a lot of acceptance to go. But I am taking what I can comprehend and use it to ground myself in this life.

No 1 person has all the answers. The Bible does not have all the answers. Religion does not have all the answers. But, we all need to trust ourselves more than we do and stop believing everything passed down from generation to generation. Nature is run perfectly, Our body's are made perfectly. All is well with the world. We just need to change our thinking. Our thinking and rules have screwed this world up. 

Am I crazy? Who isn't? And that's okay!

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